Jokes...

Jokes...

Here is my own private joke collection...they are all here, so this page might get a little big after a while...if anybody likes lists, just tell me and i'll put those up too..just send me an e-mail...
Note that many of these jokes are not "clean" in that they won't offend anybody...personally, i think that most "clean" jokes kinda suck. So there.
the most recent jokes are at the top
if this page looks the same, reload...if it is still the same, i'm lazy.
If you've got a lot of spare time and have nothing better to do, get a zip file of all of my BIG joke files, including the complete list on how to be annoying, all the blonde jokes possible, etc...if you don't have pkunzip, get that too...and here's another joke compilation...lists....funny stuff...if u've got time...if u want even more than that, just ask me...i've got plenty more...

last updated: December 1, 1997

The World's Shortest Books...

25. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
24. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
23. America's Most Popular Lawyers
22.   French Hospitality
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. Everything Men Know About Women
19.   Everything Women Know About Men
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Easy UNIX
16. Detroit - A Travel Guide
15. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
14. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
13. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
12. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
11. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
10. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9.   Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
8. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
7.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4.   One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3.   Staple Your Way to Success
2.   The Amish Phone Directory
1.   The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Feelin' Lucky

A young man went into a drug store to buy a condom. The pharmacist told him that condoms come in packs of three, nine, or twelve and asks which the young man wants. "Well, I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her folks and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to get lucky. So you better give me the 12-pack."
The young man paid for his purchase and left. Later that evening he sat down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asked if he might give the blessing, and they agreed. He began the prayer and continued for about ten minutes. The girl leaned over and said, "You never told me you were such a religious person." He leaned over to her and said, "And you never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

Winking man...

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a sales rep.
The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "I stop winking if I take a couple of aspirin."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanising all over the country."
"Ex-cuuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womaniser!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have YOU ever gone into a chemist's, winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

Strange old Lady
There is this woman and she lives next to an old grumpy man. Well one day the lady is drying her underware and they just happen to be flying over her fence into the man's yard. well the man says "YOU BETTER TAKE THAT OUT OF MY YARD OR I WILL PULL THEM DOWN!" Well she doesnt listen to him and the next day the underware are gone.Then her cat is walking around his yard and he says, "YOU BETTER GET THAT CAT OUT OF MY YARD OR I WILL SHAVE IT!" Well she doesnt listen to him and the next day she has a hairless cat. She also has a dog named Ass. and well this dog every day takes a dump in the old mans yard. and the man says, "IF THAT DOG CRAPS IN MY YARD ONE MORE TIME I WILL KICK IT DOWN THE STREET." Well the nest day PLOP, and the dog is kicked all the way down the street. SO the woman call the police, "Hello i would like to make a complaint about an old grumpy man that lives next door to me." "What has he done ma'am?" "Well, first he pulled down my panties, then he shaved my pussy and then he kicked my ass down the street."
--Submitted by Matt "submitted the joke" Nicole

Warning: this one isn't really funny, it's just kind of strange...
WOODCHUCKS

A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as woodchuck could chuck... If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Ok, but how many woodchucks would a whoodchuck chucker chuck if a woodchuck chucker could chuck woodchucks?
Once you've figured that out, move on to the advanced puzzle:
How many woodchuck chuckers would a woodhcuck chucker chucker chuck if a woodchuck chucker chucker could chuck woodchuck chuckers?
well... the (woodchuck chucker) could chuck as many (woodchucks) as a (woodchuck chucker) would chuck if a (woodchuck chucker) could chuck (woodchucks). But only if he wanted to chuck as many (woodchucks) as a (woodchuck chucker) could chuck, would he chuck as many woodchucks) as a (woodchuck chucker) could chuck. Thats up to the (woodchuck chucker). simple. and... the (woodchuck chucker chucker) could chuck as many (woodchuck chuckers) as a (woodchuck chucker chucker) would chuck if a (woodchuck chucker chucker) could chuck wood chuck chuckers, would he chuck as many (woodchuck chuckers) as a (woodchuck chucker chucker) could chuck. Thats up to the (woodchuck chucker chucker). easy.
now a tuffer one...
how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that could and would chuck as much wood as he could got chucked by a woodchuck chucker in the middle of his wood chucking?
a little more advanced form...
how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that might chuck wood, was chucked by a woodchuck chucker during his wood chucking?
a little crazier...
how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that might chuck wood, was chucked by a woodchuck chucker that might chuck woodchucks, during his wood chucking?
a little insane...
how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that might chuck wood, was chucked by a woodchuck chucker that might chuck woodchucks and who was in turn chucked by a woodchuck chucker chucker during his woodchuck chucking?
way to far...
how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that could and would chuck wood hired a woodchuck chucker chucker as a bodyguard so he could chuck his wood unmolested by woodchuck chuckers?
someone stop me...
how much wood would actually get chucked if the woodchucks formed a gang of woodchucks to ward off the woodchuck chuckers who were invading their turf?
I need help...
how much wood would actually get chucked if there were no woodchucks around and out of boredom the woodchuck chuckers decide to give wood chucking a try.
my brain hurts...
How many woodchuck chuckers would a woodchuck chucker chucker chuck if the woodchucks came to the aid of the woodchuck chucker chuckers?
my ears are bleeding...
How many woodchuck chuckers would a woodchuck chucker chucker chuck if the woodchucks came to the aid of the woodchuck chuckers?
must... get... a... life...
How many woodchuck chuckers would a woodchuck chuck if motivated?
--Submitted by ZERO COOL (Andy Huang)

Halloween Party...

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"
--Submitted by Shivens

Learning how to pee
Pa was going to teach Billy how to pee standing up so he takes Billy to the outhouse and says.. "Now Billy, its very simple. One, you take out your thing, two you pull back your foreskin, three you pee, four you push back your foreskin, five you put your thing away. Now you try it boy, I'm going to milk the cows." After about an hour, Ma comes running up to Pa and says "Oh Pa, something is wrong with Billy!"
"What's the matter?" Pa asks. "Well," Ma says, "he's locked himself in the outhouse and he's been there over half an hour!" "Oh, Ma," says Pa, "he's probably doing his business." "I don't think so," says Ma, "he keeps saying 'Two, Four, Two, Four, Two...'"

Little Boy...

There was a little boy who went to the supermarket with his father. The little boy saw a toy truck that he wanted. "Can I have that toy truck??" He excitedly asked his father. "Well, can you touch our penis to your asshole?" his father replied. "Uh, no..." said the little boy. "Well, there's your answer." A little while later, the boy sees some candy that he wants. "Can I have a candy bar?" He asks his father. "Well, can you touch your penis to your asshole?" his father replied. "Uh, no..." "Well, there's your answer." A few minutes later, the little boy buys a lottery ticket and wins a few million dollars. The father, envious and jealous, says to the little boy, "Don't you think that you should give some of that to me? I am, after all, your father, and I would be more responsible..." "Well, can you touch your penis to your asshole?" "Why yes! Yes I can!" the father replied enthusiastically. The little boy says, "Well good--then go fuck yourself!"

What not to Name your Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just stading there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I seaparted, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.

What girls say...and what they mean:
1. Can't we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
2. I just need some space
...without you in it
3. Can you help me with my homework?
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
4. Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven't had a fight in a while
5. No, pizza's fine.
Cheap bastard
6. I just do not want a boyfriend now.
I just do not want (you as) a boy-friend
7. I don't know; what do you want to do?
I can't believe that you have nothing planned
8. Come here
My puppy does this too
9. I like you but...
I don't like you.
10. You never listen.
You never listen.
11. We're moving too quickly.
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend
12. I'll be ready in a minute.
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
13. Oh, no, I will pay for myself.
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch
14. Oh Yes! Right there.
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
15. I'm just going out with the girls.
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
16. There's no one else
I am doing your brother.
17. Size doesn't count...
unless I want an orgasm

What guys say... and what they mean...
1. It is just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
2. She's kind of cute.
I want to bang her till I am blue
3. I don't know if I like her.
She won't blow me.
4. I need you
My hand is tired
5. I had her
I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
6. I really want to get to know you better
...so I can tell my friends about it
7. How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?
Is my penis really that small?
8. You're the only girl I've ever cared about.
You are the only girl who has not rejected me
9. I want you back
...for tonight anyway
10. We've been through so much together.
If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
11. I miss you so much
I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
12. No, I do not want to dance right now
Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on
13. The break-up should not start for another 24 hours.
I want to have sex a few more times
14. I am different from all the other guys.
I am not circumcised

What am I????

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hair things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in would most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What am I???????

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other an your very own...

....Toothbrush…

What were you thinking? You PERVERT!

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